A Yearly Thing

Well...this is becoming a yearly habit apparently. I am still the same person that wrote the blog before this one, haven't gotten to re-read the first post. Well, in general, my life right now doesn't really suck, I have parents that are basically wringing their pockets for cash and are still willing to let me have a birthday party with pizza and coke. That's a fucking blessing in a magicians hat. That's what that is. We barely have enough money for food and they are willing to give me pizza and coke. I really am thankful. I wouldn't be able to go to this fucking EXPENSIVE college that barely gives out any scholarship because they want me to go for whatever pleases me. (not that they don't care but that they support my choice in what I want to study.) I had the chance to go to a college that would've taken care of most of my scholarship and I would've only had to pay $6,000 a year. That's fucking amazing! but nooooooo I have to be special and go to this one fucking college that has what I want and that I have to pay most of the tuition for(well, a little bit me, my parents in most of that and a measly taste from the fucking FAFSA, go government!!! :D :|  ) So, now I'm doubting my whole situation and I don't even know if I will be able to go to the same college next year, I definitely can't get back to the college offering me close to full tuition. I. Am. So. Fucking. Stupid. Please. I beg of you. Berate me with comments of how selfish I am. I deserve it. HA! I just came up with the perfect description for myself. "I am a self hating bitch, who pretends to be all nice, that wants to be nice, ungrateful person who hates fitting in and has no backbone." yeah. That's about right. I hate so much that some of the people that I treasure won't be coming with me when this life is over. Whether I go up or down, I won't see all of my friends wherever I go. I deserve nothing. I have done nothing but hate people deep down in my heart. I hated someone in middle school because they stopped talking to me and wouldn't respond to me if I talked to them. I didn't like my parents for most of my life, was a fucking unappreciative bitch to them. Still am sometimes, I'm trying desperately not to be. I hated someone just last year because I wasn't being accommodating to their condition. 

Wow. what a tear fest. ha! Whatever. Thing is I am ungrateful and undeserving. All I really wish for is for people to get along. For EVERYONE ELSE to be happy. I enjoy the emotional pain I get, I hope that somehow, I am absorbing everyone else's misery so that they can enjoy life. I want to keep this pain. I keep teetering between whether I need to go to a therapist with my pathetic problems or just live with it. I have decided for the moment that living with it is what I deserve because my life is seriously not bad. I have a place to live, I'm getting the education I want, I'm being fed. That's enough. I whine like I have the worst life in the world and honestly, there are MILLIONS more people out there that have it way worse. People who get raped, drug addicts, the abused, the hungry, the homeless...I have a fucking perfect life! So, I am ungrateful because I refuse to accept the fact that my life couldn't get any better than it already has. Example, my boyfriend? I dumped him, and as the last post described, that action had no real reasons. All the reasons I had were kinda stupid: he wasn't going straight into college(you ass, he doesn't have enough money for that!) after a year, all he does is look for a job(he needs that money stupid!!) We never had anything to talk about, it was all just awkward conversation(come on, you could've come up with something to talk about, there are millions of subjects, choose) he barely had time to see me(he has family obligations, he is a family centered person for goodness sakes!!!) I could never contact him, I always had to wait for him and even then he would get his moms phone too late and I would be asleep(hello!!! you could've left him a message!). so, as you can see ungrateful because in return, he loved me, thought I was a 'goddess', thought that I was the one, thought that I was so fucking special, and what does he get? my never ending friendship. yay. that and the biggest slap in the face, stab in the heart that a guy could get. That is what I gave him. heartache. He is such a great guy and that is what I gave him for what he surrounded me with.

HA! Wow. there goes the feelings all over the place again! well, ungrateful, that is the word to perfectly describe little ol' me. Feel free to comment person bash!!! XD

See you next time.

Yours in Eternity,

Black Rose

The confusions of life and my general unhappiness

So. I haven't been here since I was a squealing little girl and I now have deeper thoughts, I'm not as shallow as I used to be and as a result, have found life to be miserable with a few exceptions. Since then, I have gotten a boyfriend that I'm not sure I like in that way, but I do, a summer with no time to myself, and my parents are breathing down my neck about packing nothing personal, only the necessities.
It. Sucks.
And fortunately, thats good news, my summer is coming to the best sucky ending, I am going to be greeted by Auntie Heather's new book(and first of the series) The Slayer Chronicles, First Kill!!! If you haven't heard of her, Heather Brewer is the New York Times Bestselling Author of The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod, and this series is her very first set of books and, I kid you not, she is one amazing author! This is extremely exciting, its a spinoff of the CoVT. And, for fear of giving absolutely anything away, I can't say anymore than its about a vampire slayer. :)=


so......on to the gory mess that is my life. I have this amazing boyfriend. He is awesome. BUT! The more time I spend away from him the more my feelings for him go away. When I actually see him, I light up and I'm the happiest bird there ever was in this world. I hate this. I should actually be missing him when I am apart from him for even one minute. I don't like the fact that the more time I spend being his "perfect goddess" (his word not mine) I am creating more of a bond with him and the more that breaking that bond will hurt. I was thinking we would've broken up a long time ago. And I have no idea how to end it. And no reason to do so. Other than that I want to meet someone who understands and knows me. And the thing is, he doesn't know me, not the real me. And the deal with that is that I won't let him. I don't want to.

So, my life is headed in a downward spiral, I'm thinking of taking up the knife again and continuing on as the people in my life buzz around for a while then leave. It happened with my elementary school friends (yes, I know it's only supposed to last for a little while, but the change from 'friend' to 'i don't know you' was very abrupt), it happened with my middle school friends (again same thing), and since I just graduated high school, it hasn't happened.....yet. Yes, I'm a high school graduate but think about it, are all high school graduates really that smart? or mature? So, don't judge this inbetweener as she writes about the wrecked car that is her life.

Well, I think I will be writing on this more often, I will be in college an will have NO PARENTS to fucking breathe down my back about doing my work. I never do it BECAUSE they are there. Don't ask me why such a weird thing controls my working habits, it just does.

Well guys,(that is if there is anyone reading this) thats it for today(and I doubt there is anyone.....reading this I mean...). Help if you can, leave comments of 'what a sad pathetic loner you are, why the fuck are you writing this blog?' or 'don't worry every things gonna work out for the best' but please comment. btw, I would prefer the first of the two comments, the latter sounds so cliche and FAKE. And I'd prefer the blunt comments over the marshmallow-y ones.

God. I talk too much. Anyways...

Yours in Eternity,
Black Rose

My very frist 48 hrs!!!

Ok, so school is hardwork right? well, yesterday I had to get some Physics homework done and now because of it, I am currently operating on low battery, (although it doesn't show) I have been drawing Vlad Smiley faces everywhere I turn, and have been up for approximately 40hrs!!!!! This is the first time I have ever pulled off anything like this(although i did come close one time, at a sleepover, but i went to sleep at 9 in the morning ): ) So, I got onto the computer to check my things tonight and guess what!!!! AUNTIE HEATHER IS COMING HERE, TO MY CITY SEP. 24!!!! and her book comes out the 21ST OF SEPTEMBER!!! and....dundunduuuuuuun!! THATS AUNTIE HEATHERS AND VLADS BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! So.......HURRAY!!!!!!! She is such an awesome writer, this will be my second time getting to meet her in person!!! XD I can't wait til her book comes out!!! Its going to be totally and completely the most EPIC thing to ever happen!!! I can't wait!!! YAY!!! Well, till next time I guess!
                                Yours in Eternity,
                                      Black Rose  :)=