A Yearly Thing

Well...this is becoming a yearly habit apparently. I am still the same person that wrote the blog before this one, haven't gotten to re-read the first post. Well, in general, my life right now doesn't really suck, I have parents that are basically wringing their pockets for cash and are still willing to let me have a birthday party with pizza and coke. That's a fucking blessing in a magicians hat. That's what that is. We barely have enough money for food and they are willing to give me pizza and coke. I really am thankful. I wouldn't be able to go to this fucking EXPENSIVE college that barely gives out any scholarship because they want me to go for whatever pleases me. (not that they don't care but that they support my choice in what I want to study.) I had the chance to go to a college that would've taken care of most of my scholarship and I would've only had to pay $6,000 a year. That's fucking amazing! but nooooooo I have to be special and go to this one fucking college that has what I want and that I have to pay most of the tuition for(well, a little bit me, my parents in most of that and a measly taste from the fucking FAFSA, go government!!! :D :|  ) So, now I'm doubting my whole situation and I don't even know if I will be able to go to the same college next year, I definitely can't get back to the college offering me close to full tuition. I. Am. So. Fucking. Stupid. Please. I beg of you. Berate me with comments of how selfish I am. I deserve it. HA! I just came up with the perfect description for myself. "I am a self hating bitch, who pretends to be all nice, that wants to be nice, ungrateful person who hates fitting in and has no backbone." yeah. That's about right. I hate so much that some of the people that I treasure won't be coming with me when this life is over. Whether I go up or down, I won't see all of my friends wherever I go. I deserve nothing. I have done nothing but hate people deep down in my heart. I hated someone in middle school because they stopped talking to me and wouldn't respond to me if I talked to them. I didn't like my parents for most of my life, was a fucking unappreciative bitch to them. Still am sometimes, I'm trying desperately not to be. I hated someone just last year because I wasn't being accommodating to their condition. 

Wow. what a tear fest. ha! Whatever. Thing is I am ungrateful and undeserving. All I really wish for is for people to get along. For EVERYONE ELSE to be happy. I enjoy the emotional pain I get, I hope that somehow, I am absorbing everyone else's misery so that they can enjoy life. I want to keep this pain. I keep teetering between whether I need to go to a therapist with my pathetic problems or just live with it. I have decided for the moment that living with it is what I deserve because my life is seriously not bad. I have a place to live, I'm getting the education I want, I'm being fed. That's enough. I whine like I have the worst life in the world and honestly, there are MILLIONS more people out there that have it way worse. People who get raped, drug addicts, the abused, the hungry, the homeless...I have a fucking perfect life! So, I am ungrateful because I refuse to accept the fact that my life couldn't get any better than it already has. Example, my boyfriend? I dumped him, and as the last post described, that action had no real reasons. All the reasons I had were kinda stupid: he wasn't going straight into college(you ass, he doesn't have enough money for that!) after a year, all he does is look for a job(he needs that money stupid!!) We never had anything to talk about, it was all just awkward conversation(come on, you could've come up with something to talk about, there are millions of subjects, choose) he barely had time to see me(he has family obligations, he is a family centered person for goodness sakes!!!) I could never contact him, I always had to wait for him and even then he would get his moms phone too late and I would be asleep(hello!!! you could've left him a message!). so, as you can see ungrateful because in return, he loved me, thought I was a 'goddess', thought that I was the one, thought that I was so fucking special, and what does he get? my never ending friendship. yay. that and the biggest slap in the face, stab in the heart that a guy could get. That is what I gave him. heartache. He is such a great guy and that is what I gave him for what he surrounded me with.

HA! Wow. there goes the feelings all over the place again! well, ungrateful, that is the word to perfectly describe little ol' me. Feel free to comment person bash!!! XD

See you next time.

Yours in Eternity,

Black Rose